Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Home Quotes

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Salary Quotes

My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian-an early Indian. Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. All those Salem witches were ancestors of mine. Your people made it tropical for them. . . . The first slave brought into New England out of Africa was an ancestor of mine-for I am a mixed breed, an infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , People Quotes , Gentleman Quotes

I thought tamarinds were made to eat, but that was probably not the idea. I ate several, and it seemed to me that they were rather sour that year. They pursed up my lips, till they resembled the stem-end of a tomato, and I had to take my sustenance through a quill for twenty-four hours. They sharpened my teeth till I could have shaved with them, and gave them a 'wire edge' that I was afraid would stay; but a citizen said 'no, it will come off when the enamel does' - which was comforting, at any rate. I found, afterward, that only strangers eat tamarinds - but they only eat them once.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Years Quotes , Ideas Quotes

This is the only sane clerical the earthquake has exposed to view yet.

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There are no wild animals until man makes them so.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dog Quotes , Animal Quotes

Names are not always what they seem.

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The average American's simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak.

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There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others.

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I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Achievement Quotes

It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Growing Quotes , Littles Quotes

Cats are the wildest of the tame and the tamest of the wild

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He had an uncommon fondness for cats. As an old man summering in New Hampshire, Twain even rented kittens from a nearby farm to keep him company until he returned home. "If man could be crossed with the cat," said Twain, "it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Life Quotes , Cat Quotes

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. And it cannot be any benefit when you are tired; and I was always tired.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Taken Quotes , Sleep Quotes

The ancients stole all our ideas from us.

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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Pirate Quotes , Sailing Quotes

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

And always we had wars, and more wars, and still other wars - all over Europe, all over the world. "Sometimes in the private interest of royal families," Satan said, "sometimes to crush a weak nation; but never a war started by the aggressor for any clean purpose - there is no such war in the history of the race."

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Crush Quotes , War Quotes

Never waste a lie; you never know when you may need it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Lying Quotes , Needs Quotes