Mark Twain Quotes, Drinking Quotes, Fighting Quotes

Whiskey is for drinking; water is for fighting over.

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A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

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Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

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By "trampling upon the helpless abroad" with unchecked surveillance, Americans have learned, "by a natural process, to endure with apathy the like at home."

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Why should anybody want to save the human race, or damn it either? Does God want its society? Does Satan?

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I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.

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Darwin abolished special creations, contributed the Origin of Species and hitched all life together in one unbroken procession of Siamese Twins, the whole evolved by natural and orderly processes from one microscopic parent germ.

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Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.

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Beautiful credit! The foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises? That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark: -- I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars.

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One holds a bottle of red wine by the neck, a woman by the waist, and a bottle of champagne by the derriere.

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A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

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Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.

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God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

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I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

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Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.

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You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks - in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present; you should have recognized them earlier.

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The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

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There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach.

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A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificant by and by.

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I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

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