Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Addiction Quotes , Smoking Quotes

And so when I couldn't stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Cute Quotes , Rags Quotes

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sports Quotes , Dog Quotes

A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; they scramble for little mean advantages over each other; age creeps upon them; infirmities follow; ...those they love are taken from them, and the joy of life is turned to aching grief. It comes at last--the only unpoisoned gift earth ever had for them--and they vanish from a world where they were of no consequence, ...a world which will lament them a day and forget them forever.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Life Quotes , Grief Quotes

When your opinions start to coincide with those of the majority, it is time to reconsider your opinions.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Majority Quotes

Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Swimming Quotes , People Quotes

The trouble with most of us is that we know too much that ain't so.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Ignorance Quotes , Too Much Quotes

Well, no doubt it's a blessed thing to have an imagination that can always make you satisfied, no matter how you are fixed.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Religious Quotes , Blessed Quotes

You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Window Quotes , Habit Quotes

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cute Quotes

Troubles are only mental; it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can gorge them, banish them, abolish them.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mind Quotes , Gorges Quotes

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Law Quotes , People Quotes

The law of work seems unfair, but nothing can change it; the more enjoyment you get out of your work, the more money you will make.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Motivational Quotes

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

Never run after you own hat - others will be delighted to do it; why spoil their fun?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Running Quotes , Fun Quotes

There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land (and work) again after a cheerful, careless voyage.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Travel Quotes , Land Quotes

The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Russia Quotes

I have learned that human existence is essentially tragic. It is only the love of God, disclosed and enacted in Christ, that redeems the human tragedy and makes it tolerable. No, more than tolerable. Wonderful.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humanity Quotes , Tragedy Quotes

None but the dead are permitted to tell the truth.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes