Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The funniest things are the forbidden.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do. Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Marriage Quotes , Husband Quotes

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Integrity Quotes , Opportunity Quotes

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Doubt Quotes , Watches Quotes

The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is--a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. But a mob without any MAN at the head of it is BENEATH pitifulness.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Fighting Quotes , Army Quotes

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Knowledge Quotes , People Quotes

Tough times teach trust.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Tough Times Quotes , Tough Quotes

When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted above the sons of men.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Native American Quotes , Son Quotes

It's awful undermining to the intellect, German is; you want to take it in small doses, or first you know your brains all run together, and you feel them flapping around in your head same as so much drawn butter.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Running Quotes , German Language Quotes

Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Accountability Quotes

Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born --a hundred million years --and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Years Quotes , Together Quotes

Few of us stand prosperity; another man's I mean.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mean Quotes , Men Quotes

I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Worry Quotes

You cannot have a theory without principles. Principles is another name for prejudices.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Names Quotes , Principles Quotes

A distinguished man should be as particular about his last words as he is about his last breath. He should write them out on a slip of paper and take the judgment of his friends on them. He should never leave such a thing to the last hour of his life, and trust to an intellectual spurt at the last moment to enable him to say something smart with his latest gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Death Quotes , Smart Quotes

A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Flower Quotes , Gone Quotes

I'm a very old man. I've had lots of problems. Most of them never happened..!

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Problem Quotes

The most outrageous lies that can be invented will find believers if a person only tells them with all his might.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Lying Quotes , Might Quotes

If it would not look too much like showing off, I would tell the reader where New Zealand is.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Looks Quotes , Too Much Quotes

It is the will of God that we must have critics, and missionaries, and Congressmen, and humorists, and we must bear the burden. Meantime, I seem to have been drifting into criticism myself. But that is nothing. At the worst, criticism is nothing more than a crime, and I am not unused to that.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Criticism Quotes , Bears Quotes