Ambrose Bierce Quotes, New York Quotes, Rights Quotes

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.

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HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

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Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

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NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.

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EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other-which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.

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PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

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A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

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Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

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A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.

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Kiss. n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss".

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Liberty is one of the imagination's most precious possessions.

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Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

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GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

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POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.

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LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."

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MAGNITUDE, n. Size [that is] purely relative. If everything in the universe were increased 1,000 diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been.

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STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue.

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Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound.

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You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

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HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Retirement Quotes , Spring Quotes