Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Business Quotes, Men Quotes

An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

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PALM, n. A species of tree . . . of which the familiar "itching palm" ("Palma hominis") is most widely distributed . . . . This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver.

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PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make.

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WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

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CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

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GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.

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PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians - who are Hogmies.

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EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.

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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

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Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

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San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen

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NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

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Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

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CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

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PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

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LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

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Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient

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Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

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FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

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REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

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