Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Hope Quotes

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

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REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

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Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

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PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

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Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

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Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

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FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs

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PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

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Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.

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LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

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TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect ("Glossina morsitans") whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist ("Mendax interminabilis").

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WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath," etc. . . .

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The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain" - that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain" - that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.

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Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

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BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.

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MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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Definition: CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

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Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

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