Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

6 years ago

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Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

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Figures don't lie, but liars figure.

6 years ago

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He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea.

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Cherimoya, the most delicious fruit known to men.

6 years ago

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Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

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Man can seldom - very, very, seldom - fight a winning fight against his training; the odds are too heavy.

6 years ago

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To do right is wonderful. To teach others to do right is even more wonderful--and much easier.

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When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , World Quotes , Idiot Quotes

But we love the Old Travelers. We love to hear them prate and drivel and lie.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Lying Quotes , Traveler Quotes

And how moving is the eloquence of the untaught when it is the heart that is speaking!

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Moving Quotes , Heart Quotes

A jackass has that kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to the world because he is a jackass; but anobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should never have been attempted in the first place. And yet, once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is going to come of it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Strength Quotes , Mistake Quotes

I wish Europe would let Russia annihilate Turkey a little--not much, but enough to make it difficult to find the place again without a divining-rod or a diving-bell.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Russia Quotes , Europe Quotes

I was educated, I was trained, I was a Presbyterian and I knew how these things are done. I knew that in Biblical times if a man committed a sin the extermination of the whole surrounding nation-cattle and all-was likely to happen. I knew that Providence was not particular about the rest, so that He got somebody connected with the one He was after.

6 years ago

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A gentleman is a man who can play the banjo, but doesn't.

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Our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India.

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If I'd seen a playwright ever write an' play at the same time, I'd have given 'em more of a chance at cards. Can I get an 'amen?'

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Writing Quotes , Play Quotes

Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dream Quotes , Attitude Quotes

He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Envy Quotes