Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

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I knew a man who grabbed a cat by the tail and learned forty percent more about cats than the man who didn't.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Cat Quotes , Men Quotes

When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Party Quotes

It is our nature to conform; it is a force which not many can successfully resist. What is its seat? The inborn requirement of self-approval.

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None but the dead are permitted to tell the truth.

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If we read the words and attitudes of the past through the pompous "wisdom" of the considered moral judgments of the present, we will find nothing but error.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Attitude Quotes , Past Quotes

A person who has during all time maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of four-fifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilities of the loftiest order.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Spiritual Quotes , Race Quotes

Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity - these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them. They hide nothing. They are not ashamed.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Animal Quotes , Men Quotes

Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Block Quotes , Sleep Quotes

Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Education Quotes , Work Quotes

The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetics in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Biblical Quotes , Discovery Quotes

I begin to see that a man's got to be in his own heaven to be happy.

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One of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it.

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Whatever you say, say it with conviction

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Every man has a secret ambition: To outsmart horses, fish and women.

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Conscience, man's moral medicine chest.

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Persons who think there is no such thing as luck good or bad are entitled to their opinion, although I think they ought to be shot for it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Luck Quotes

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it, and the frog generally dies as a result.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Analyzing Quotes , Frogs Quotes

He gossips habitually; he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Envy Quotes