Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Jealousy Quotes

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

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OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.

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EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.

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Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

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PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.

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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

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Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

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CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

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Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

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Good-bye -- if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs.

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NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.

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Advice, the smallest current coin.

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Worms'-Meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.

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SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.

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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

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HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

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Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

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Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

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Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

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