Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Travel Quotes, Journey Quotes

Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

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Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient

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ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

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USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.

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It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

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Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

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Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.

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SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.

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UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.

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Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

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The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.

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PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

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MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

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Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

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DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

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COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.

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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

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I was born to poor because of honest parents.

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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

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