Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Animal Quotes

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

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Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

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The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.

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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.

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HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that

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Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

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Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

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adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

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WEATHER, n. The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.

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Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain.

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UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.

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SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as... the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt.

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It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

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REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned . . . . whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

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PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

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Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

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Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

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A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.

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Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Romans the censor was an inspector of public morals, but the public morals of modern nations will not bear inspection.

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