Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel."

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Eye Quotes

A joke is a very serious thing.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned..."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

6 years ago

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Tags : Alan Perlis Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Technology Quotes

His neighbor is a tooth-drawer. That bag at his girdle is full of the teeth that he drew at Winchester fair. I warrant that there are more sound ones than sorry, for he is quick at his work and a trifle dim in the eye.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Sorry Quotes , Humorous Quotes

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Vanity Quotes

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Fitness Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

6 years ago

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Tags : Abraham Kaplan Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

6 years ago

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Inspirational Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"Next," said Mrs Wilfer with a wave of her gloves, expressive of abdication under protest from the culinary throne, "I would recommend examination of the bacon in the saucepan on the fire, and also of the potatoes by the application of a fork. Preparation of the greens will further become necessary if you persist in this unseemly demeanour."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

5 years ago

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Nice Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes