Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I played Chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move, and ran the game out differently

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Moving Quotes , Games Quotes

It is believed by everyone that when he was in heaven he was stern, hard, resentful, jealous and cruel, but that when he came down to earth, he became the opposite... sweet, gentle merciful, forgiving. He was a thousand billion times crueler than ever he was in the Old Testament... Meek and gentle? By and by we will examine that popular sarcasm by the light of the hell which he invented.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sweet Quotes , Jealous Quotes

Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Differences Quotes , Light Quotes

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Wisdom Quotes , Country Quotes

A dream...I was trying to explain to St. Peter, and was doing it in the German tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dream Quotes , Trying Quotes

A person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Cat Quotes , Excellence Quotes

We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sad Quotes , Music Quotes

Faith is believing things you know aint true

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Believe Quotes

Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Sand Quotes

If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Law Quotes

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Life Quotes

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Marriage Quotes , Military Quotes

There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Writing Quotes

Nothing seems to please a fly so much as to be taken for a currant; and if it can be baked in a cake and palmed off on the unwary, it dies happy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Taken Quotes , Cake Quotes

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Inspirational Quotes , Men Quotes

The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Engineering Quotes , Skills Quotes

The government is merely a servant―merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Government Quotes , Order Quotes

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is finer.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , World Quotes , Authority Quotes

As a thinker and planner the ant is the equal of any savage race of men; as a self-educated specialist in several arts she is the superior of any savage race of men; and in one or two high mental qualities she is above the reach of any man, savage or civilized!

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Art Quotes , Men Quotes