Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Father Quotes

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes

Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Religious Quotes , Fear Quotes

You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Love Quotes , Heart Quotes

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Horse Quotes , Spirited Quotes

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of this world'd luxuries, king by grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took: we know it because she repented.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Kings Quotes , Angel Quotes

Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Someday Quotes

I wonder if God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Monkeys Quotes

Heaven knows insanity was disreputable enough, long ago; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting every gallows rope and picking every prison lock with it, it is become a sneaking villainy that ought to hang and keep on hanging its sudden possessors until evil-doers should conclude that the safest plan was to never claim to have it until they came by it legitimately. The very calibre of the people the lawyers most frequently try to save by the insanity subterfuge ought to laugh the plea out of the courts, one would think.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Cutting Quotes , Thinking Quotes

On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Joy Quotes

It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Gambling Quotes , Long Quotes

Yes - en I's rich now, come to look at it. I owns myself, en I's wuth eight hund'd dollars. I wisht I had de money, I wouldn' want no mo'.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Eight Quotes , Want Quotes

I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Smoking Quotes , Cigar Quotes

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Music Quotes , Play Quotes

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sense Of Humor Quotes , Human Nature Quotes

There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Way Quotes

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Coffee Quotes , Wine Quotes

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Christian Quotes , Religious Quotes

They do say that when a man starts down hill everybody is ready to help him with a kick, and I suppose it is so.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Luck Quotes

It is a dear and lovely disposition, and a most valuable one, that can brush away indignities and discourtesies and seek and find the pleasanter features of an experience.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Optimistic Quotes , Lovely Quotes

A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom when he can no longer be led by the nose.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Wisdom Quotes , Inspiration Quotes