Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Prayer Quotes

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.

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MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea.

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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

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DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

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Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

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An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.

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He laughs best who laughs least.

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Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

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RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.

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The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

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OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."

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Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

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Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

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QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the U.S. Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House.

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Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.

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To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

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me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.

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The god of the world's leading religion.

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Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.

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