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Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Ambrose Bierce Quotes 976
- APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider
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- PALM, n. A species of tree . . . of which the familiar "itching palm" ("Palma hominis") is most widely distributed . . . . This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver.
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- Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
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- Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
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- Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.
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- Inexpedient: Not calculated to advance one's interests.
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- LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.
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- RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries . .
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- Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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- NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Philosophy Quotes , Fall Quotes
- HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments . . . . It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.
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- Rhubarb: essence of stomach ache.
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- Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered.
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- MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
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- Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
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- A pessimist asked God for relief. Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness, said God. No, replied the petitioner, I wish you to create something that would justify them. The world is all created,said God, but you have overlooked something
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- OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."
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- Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
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- Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.
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- GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.
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