Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Law Quotes, Deities Quotes

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

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Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

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Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery.

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QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another - usually about as many times as it can be got there.

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MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

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Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

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UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

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PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance... The Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one - the knowledge and the dream.

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SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.

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ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

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EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.

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FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.

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STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue.

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DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice.

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Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.

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Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

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CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

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COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.

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