Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Christian Quotes, New York Quotes

Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

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SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.

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HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

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Advice: The suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit.

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REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.

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LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

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VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

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Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

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Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.

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Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

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MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.

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WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

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FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.

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Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

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ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

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Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

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Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.

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Miss, n. A title which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

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Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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