Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Two Quotes, Instruments Quotes

There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Mind Quotes , Kind Quotes

Epitaph: An inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

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PICKANINNY, n. The young of the "Procyanthropos", or "Americanus dominans". It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.

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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one.

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INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both - as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Men Quotes , Two Quotes

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

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DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

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HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

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History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

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J, n. A consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel . . . from a Latin verb, "jacere", "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape.

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Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

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Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

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ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Inspiring Quotes , Success Quotes

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Country Quotes , Blood Quotes

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Book Quotes , Fool Quotes