Adam Carolla Quotes, Daughter Quotes, Mother Quotes

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Daughter Quotes , Mother Quotes

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

5 years ago

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A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Mean Quotes , Successful Quotes

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Air Quotes , Stories Quotes

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Butterfly Quotes , Beer Quotes

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Passion Quotes , Office Quotes

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

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I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Audience Quotes

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Pay Quotes , Taxes Quotes

I am not a good cue card reader.

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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Moving Quotes , Book Quotes

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Government Quotes , People Quotes

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Basketball Quotes

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

5 years ago

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Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Daughter Quotes , Mother Quotes

There are certain things women are better at than men.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Men Quotes