Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes, Funny Quotes, Travel Quotes

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Travel Quotes

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Nice Quotes

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kindness Quotes

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Years Quotes

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

5 years ago

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Tags : Jane Austen Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave.

5 years ago

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Tags : Percy Bysshe Shelley Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kindness Quotes

I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.

5 years ago

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Tags : Hector Hugh Munro Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes