George Bernard Shaw Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Let me see you ride a donkey over my green again, and as sure as you have a head upon your shoulders, I'll knock your bonnet off, and tread upon it!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The Cardinal is at his wit's end - it is true that he had not far to go.

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupidity Quotes

A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.

6 years ago

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Tags : Al Oerter Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.

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Tags : Aeschylus Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wise Quotes

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Birthday Quotes

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

The British are apt to make merits of their stupidities, and to represent their various incapacities as points of good breeding.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Stupidity Quotes

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jesus Quotes

When they took a young man into Tellson's London house, they hid him somewhere till he was old. They kept him in a dark place, like a cheese, until he had the full Tellson flavour and blue-mould upon him. Then only was he permitted to be seen, spectacularly poring over large books, and casting his breeches and gaiters into the general weight of the establishment.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes