Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Two Quotes, Instruments Quotes

There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

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OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.

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PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

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ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

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An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.

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That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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MARTYR, One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

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NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.

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PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.

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Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.

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REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

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Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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The best kind of onion soup is the simplest kind.

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LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

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Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.

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REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

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CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

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