Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Future Quotes

EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.

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The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

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ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

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MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.

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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

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The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.

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PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians - who are Hogmies.

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PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

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COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

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RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless.

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IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

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URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.

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Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

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DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

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PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

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EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

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REVOLUTION, n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed.

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Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

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CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.

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Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound.

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