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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- Old age hath yet his honour and his toil.
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Tags : Alfred Lord Tennyson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Age Quotes
- The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes
- The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
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Tags : F. Scott Fitzgerald Quotes , Funny Quotes , New Year Quotes
- He said he didn't very well understand how George was going to sleep any more than he did now, seeing that there were only twenty-four hours in each day.
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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
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Tags : Hector Hugh Munro Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought? --Poirot
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Tags : Agatha Christie Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes
- Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
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Tags : Muhammad Ali Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beauty Quotes
- Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- Avoid all needle drugs, the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
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Tags : Abbie Hoffman Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dope Quotes
- Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes
- He would make a lovely corpse.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes
- He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sympathy Quotes
- When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it.
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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes