Charles Dickens Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

"Vell," said Mr. Weller, "Now I s'pose he'll want to call some witnesses to speak to his character, or p'raps to prove a alleybi. I've been a turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may make his-self easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either for him, but my adwice 'ud be this here-never mind the character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, nothing."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Real Quotes

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Positive Quotes

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

"Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?"

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christian Quotes

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Writing Quotes

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Religious Quotes

It's much easier for me to make major life, multi-million dollar decisions, than it is to decide on a carpet for my front porch. That's the truth.

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Tags : Oprah Winfrey Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Tree Quotes

... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.

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Tags : Warren Buffett Quotes , Funny Quotes , Motivation Quotes

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Death Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

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Tags : A. A. Milne Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiring Quotes

Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Use It Or Lose It Quotes

I've taken my fun where I've found it, An' now I must pay for my fun, For the more you 'ave known o' the others The less will you settle to one.

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Tags : Rudyard Kipling Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes