Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Motivational Quotes

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

6 years ago

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Tags : Alan Coren Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jail Quotes

Of course it's the same old story. Truth usually is the same old story.

5 years ago

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Tags : Margaret Thatcher Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Jealousy Quotes

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

5 years ago

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Inspiration Quotes

When the ax came into the forest the trees said the handle is one of us.

5 years ago

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Tags : Alice Walker Quotes , Funny Quotes , Tree Quotes

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

They misunderestimated me.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

5 years ago

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Tags : Plato Quotes , Funny Quotes , Cities Quotes

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

5 years ago

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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mistake Quotes

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, sir.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes